Just had my first haircut with half as much hair as usual. I hadn’t told Robert, my extraordinary hair guru about my condition as yet, but since it’s so obvious when one runs a hand through my hair, I had to tell him. JJ hadn’t arrived yet(he was getting gas and snacks) so I told him, averting my eyes as it us still a very touchy embarrassing subject still, and as I did, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I began crying. I’m tearing up just typing this because I feel so raw and exposed. Robert was wonderful and created a hairstyle around & WITH my bald spots and wispies as I call them, that it turned out beautiful and I have no desire to pull. JJ came in later with wine for us, my puppy in her stroller, Chilis chips n salsa, and funny stories and I was amazed. So amazed I began concocting a way I could thank him later, if you know what I mean. But it never seems enough, in comparison with the queenlike way he treats me. How can I repay his kindness?
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How does that old saying go? God only allows as much turmoil into your life as you can handle…or something to that affect. Well, I’ve officially reached my limit about a month ago. Do you hear that God? I’m DONE! I’m overflowing with CRAP from all sides of life. I’m tired of watching my husband suffer and not being able to support him like I know I should and want to. I’m tired of watching my weight go up and down with my moods and feeling like I have no control over what i put in my mouth. I’m tired of my reactions to everything around me being negative and defensive. I’m tired of reacting like a caged animal when confronted or corrected about the smallest thing. I’m tired of battling the urges of a disease that makes me pull out my hair to the point where I have bald spots. I”M TIRED!!
Venting done…I have decided to “go public” about my hair pulling disease in an effort to help myself confront it and manage it. Having a secret makes me feel even more ashamed and stressed, causing it to become worse. Trichotillomania, otherwise known as Trich or TTM for short, is a disorder that is not very well-known and for which there is no known cure and very little treatment. Research shows it’s a cross between OCD and Turets. A website I like to visit is www.trich.org I started fiddling with my hair when I was in my late teens, but didn’t start actually pulling my hair out until my mid-twenties. Initially, I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I thought I was going crazy but it relieved so much anxiety and “pressure” in my brain to do so. I finally Googled it online and discovered it had a name and there were others who suffered along with me. I still label it freakish, and feel that way too, but I felt better knowing what this thing was. I still don’t know why its picked me or how its caused since there’s a lot of speculation around that. It comes and goes in vicious cycles, seeming to attack when I’m most anxious and distracted. It somehow comforts me while I’m doing it, but afterwards, seeing the effect of it brings me to despair. In recent months, I’ve depleted my thick head of hair quite a bit, and even have a couple of almost bald spots underneath. I am able to cover it using headbands, hats, scarves, and bandanas while its growing back out, but it’s so hard to get it under control so that I don’t expand the bald spots. All this new hair is sprouting so I have little hairs sticking straight up off of my head. Everytime I see my Mother’s glorious long, thick hair I want to cry! Mine used to be like that, then this disease took over my fingers and I can no longer even wear a ponytail to prevent it.
Fortunately for me, JJ is very supportive and helpful, keeping me accountable and in check. I am amazed at his ability to love me unconditionally, despite my shortcomings, consistent screw-ups, and apparent bodily destruction. I can honestly say I’m trying as hard as ever to make some much-needed changes and adjustments to my inner self. I actually get sick to my stomach sometimes when discussing my feelings, my family, and what actions I need to take. Communication is something I am just not used to nor comfortable with, but it is necessary to make my marriage and relationships work. I am so used to shutting down and numbing out when confronted with an issue that it actually makes me physically ill when I am forced to deal with the emotion….perfect example–I just had to take a break from writing this because it was putting a big giant knot in my belly. My auto-response is to run and hide. JJ is helping me learn to confront issues and poeple and myself head-on. It makes life more interesting and I don’t end up shoving it all down into the crevices I’ve carved out in my mind and heart. I have so much emotion pent up from years of stuffing, that I’m turning into someone I neither like nor recognize. JJ is pulling it all out of me. Can you imagine how difficult that is?
I’m grateful to him for keeping me accountable, otherwise, I’d just “exist”. Coping is so much easier when you have a partner in your spouse…a teammate for life so to speak. I’ll keep trying to talk about my struggles with becoming “human” and emotional and dealing with this awful disease that sometimes consumes my mind. Maybe it’ll help me learn how to connect with my emotions more. I don’t want to be numb anymore.
It’s strange how death being near to me all week suddenly made me feel fully dedicated to being alive this morning, then washed waves of sadness and a sense of loss over me a few hours later. It brings extreme emotions to the surface without warning…first wonder at the freedom I have to change as the sun came up; then horror that I could not hold my little dog again as the sun set behind the mountains on the same day. Is this the cycle of grief, perhaps magnified now over a pet because of the feeling of impending doom I’ve pushed to the back of a shelf for the last 9 months? Did I put this energy out to the atmosphere around me? Ultimately, there’s the consistent, illogical thought sitting in the back row that asks, “Could I have prevented this?” An even worse visitor to my head is the doubt. Did the little guy know I loved him?
I took advantage of his undying love and devotion and now I miss him terribly. My pup was only 2 years old and I just didn’t get enough time with him. I want to see him do his kangaroo impression and wiggle his little rumpus. I want to snuggle with my little man. I hope he’s having some fun with Sammy, Charlie, Willie, and Meg. I hope they are showing him where all the dancing butterflies are.
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a loud laugh sends earthquakes down her spine, racing into trembling hands. stomach all tied up like a bowl of spaghetti, eyes watering from a hand that a moment ago was making her laugh, now hurting her. Darkness keeps flashing off and on like lightning, accompanying the evil laughter that continues to mock her. it is too much to wrap her brain around, and she can feel a mountain forming and tumbling together inside, welling up like a volcanic eruption. it’s building up through her neck, creeping into far corners of her mind like shadows on a summer afternoon. she can’t figure out what is happening, why she was chosen, why her dad isn’t banging down the door. Did she disobey, lie, steal? did God tell on her? the hurting continues, and something shuts down with a loud bang that makes her jump. her skin is still attached, she can still see in the flashes of light, her feet are still dangling over cold concrete. but there’s nothing coming out of her mouth. the long fingers of the mountain has spread up her throat, to her tongue. she can’t feel her breath in her chest, can’t feel her heart beat in her ears. snowy peaks have chilled her stomach now. she thinks about nothing, feels nothing, is nothing. a void with no name has covered her shame.I haven’t blogged in a long long time, but I’m feeling the urge. I have quite a lot I’m working on in life, and sometimes it can feel like I’m never going to reach a place where it all makes sense. I am sure this is a common thread among my fellow humans. It seems to me that the older I get, the crazier it all seems–life, parents, my childhood, my future. If I can just get to that beach in Costa Rica or Belize, where our bar sits with our living quarters on top. I can live out my days wearing sarongs and serving margaritas…with my husband by my side. Simple, easy, far from the hustle and bustle. What will it take to get there? A lot of work, earnest and honest. What will the path include? Who’s to say. I have some ideas, but none of my plans have ever come out right–except for marrying a tall, dark, and handsome prince (on the 2nd try). Do I want to go back to school? I’ll be 34 in 3 months. It was something I wanted, but do I have the energy to finish it out? Upon further mental review, I think it has more to do with self-doubt. It’s like a little orange monster lurking around corners and in filing cabinets stored in the ol’ noggin. Reminds me of the Weight Watchers commercials–little shits draping themselves across my thoughts.
I don’t get where my prowess disappeared to. It’s like I finally found my niche, discovered some wonderful things about myself and my dreams, then all the awful things that happened to me along the way decided to rear their ugly heads and trample all over me and my progress. I thought I’d faced off with my demons, with the evilness that has showed up in the world around me. Come to find out, it never goes away–it just fades and grows fuzzy. It’s better to watch it on a movie screen than in 1st person from the inside. It lessens the hurt, eases the pain. I’m trying to do that with each meaningful event, but it seems that there so many, like large ocean waves breaking over the reef, too many to count and too large to conquer. I have to convince myself that I can do it. This is life—no do-overs that I know of. I’ve already come so far; regressing is not an option. I have a partner to go through it with, who’s supportive and loving and motivating. I threw the victim out the window and I’m not letting her back in. I have a little girl living inside of me and she comes out way too much. It’s time for her to go sleep for good. It’s time for me to enjoy life again as a woman, through eyes of a woman. Innocence is not lost.
What a whirlwind week it’s been–one of those weeks where all I want to do is sleep all weekend! JJ’s Uncle George is not doing so well–he is 92 and is in a lot of pain so there’s nothing to do but make him comfortable. Sweet Uncle George is Aunt Pat’s hubby, a WWII vet, and has told us some amazing stories. He loves to tell jokes and has entertained us all for hours with his recollection of history. No matter how many times he told the same joke, it was still funny! I know that he has lived with a tremendous amount of pain as of late, yet George was always chipper and always had a witty comeback. I feel blessed to have known him. And of course my heart goes out to Aunt Pat; she loves him dearly and has cared for him for a long time through his many illnesses. I cannot imagine being in her shoes–the very thought brings tears to my eyes. It brings back feelings I had this past summer when JJ had his cancer scare. That was one of the most horrible feelings I’ve ever felt! To have finally found my soul mate, the one I’ve been looking for all these years, and then to have his life dangled in front of me was too painful to think about for longer than a minute.
The human mind shuts those thoughts out after it realizes there is no way to fathom them without experiencing great suffering. I speak to widows every day on the phone, and my job goes from helping poeple service their accounts to listening to them cry and trying to offer comforting words that I myself do not understand. And I’m one of those poeple who starts crying as soon as someone around me starts up…wow, this is a very sad entry, but it’s been the mood of the week and it is a part of life we have to deal with sometimes.
On a happier note, I have an internal interview on Wednesday for what’s called a “Pipeline”. Basically, it’s a program in a different dept. that allows one to experience the job position without actually making the move. It is really quite neato 
because you can decide if you like the role before you make the official move. So I’m looking at becoming an Investment Counselor of sorts, which means I’ll have to acquire 2 more FINRA licenses!! Can I just say BLECHHHHH!!!! The 1st 2 were difficult enough for me, although I passed the big one with flying colors, but even so, the next 2 are even more in depth.
More long nights of going over subjects that I’ve never heard of, nor wanted to hear about, and having my guru husband explain it all. I don’t know where he keeps all that knowledge, but it’s rolling around in his head with miles and miles of other info, and I generally feel like I’m in 7th grade algebra when we go over it. So it’s clear as mud until it’s repeated to me about 14 times. Then it all becomes clear, the sun comes out, birds start singing, and I feel so ALIVE!! But, just like Algebra, if it’s not repeated to me on a consistent basis, I have to start over. After studying for a good 4-5 months this past year, JJ is now well familiar with the blank looks on his wife’s face. HUH? Now we want to do that again??!!! Curse the blankness!!
So, having to work tomorrow from 11-8, today is not TGIF. It’s TGINM. Thank-God-Its-Not-Monday. Only 1 more day, then I have 1 day off. Tax season in this business is usually very busy, this year, it’s not so much busy as annoying. That’s how I know it’s time to look for a more challenging position!! I am frequently annoyed by grumpy people. I’m trying to help you, please play nice.
And as a final note, how could I forget to mention Superbowl Sunday!! I used to be so bored by the event–I liked the commercials until half-time, then I would wander off into Leahland…la-la-la-la-la-la. After these past 2 NFL seasons, in which I actually paid attention to the rules of the game, I am so excited to watch the Steelers kick the Cardinals red feathered a**!!! At the beginning of the 2007 season, I decided that in order to spend quality time with JJ on 1 of our 2 days off per week, I would need to make a choice. I could either sit in the sports bars miserably eating fried food and filing my nails, OR, I could learn the game and follow the players/teams. The latter was more appealing. I, Leah Rachel Walker, can now hold an “intelligent” conversation about several NFL players and teams, their stats, AND, I have opinions now that are backed up by more than my inclination for the team colors!! The surprising thing is, I do not find this offensive to my female nature– It’s quite interesting once you understand the game, the teams, and the coaches. The players themselves are like soap operas, so that’s a hidden aspect women don’t realize!! And watching it on my 60-inch doesn’t hurt either. Nice “costumes”, boys.
And now I am boring myself. So go steelers!!! rah rah rah!!
And I wonder why my boss says I’m the team cheerleader??!! This is a new development for me. Please be patient, passing zone 3 miles ahead.
All I have to say is–thank God the Superbowl is not today. JJ is sick which is so rare, I almost don’t know how to act! Exaggerating a bit there, but it seems like I am always the one who is sick and he is taking care of me…and he is a ridiculous caregiver. His years of nursing school have def helped him in his wedding vows to me–”in sickness and in health”. Little did he know at the time how many hours of laboring, making soup, cleaning, tea-making, fluffing pillows, and just general fussing that would mean for him!! I am not the most pleasant of patients so his natural ability for patience and coddling comes in handy. I’ve never met a man who is so caring and can actually predict my needs and wants before I know I even need or want anything! I was blessed with a saint for a husband.
Right now he is laying on the couch, in the middle of the day WATCHING TV (shocking!!), eating chicken soup (from a can, sorry Martha), wearing his SAE sweats (which he only wears if he doesn’t feel good so they don’t come out much), and coughing. He is a true man, in that he pushes himself until he is so sick that he can barely function. Not like the sissy typing right now who drops at the faintest flutter of an illness. The thing with JJ is, that his metabolism is so incredibly fast, that his body metabolizes illnesses right out of his body in 3 days, whereas “normal” humans such as myself take up to 10 days to get over it. I didn’t believe him when we first met, but after 4 years, it’s quite apparent how true this is. I have to say, I’m jealous.
It’s snowing right now, big white juicy snowflakes that look like diamonds floating from the sky. The sun is out so it creates this effect of dazzling sparkle which is amazing to watch! To me, it looks like the sky is raining diamonds down on the earth, almost like it’s proposing to the ground and the trees. Just sprinkling diamond rings down to cover everything so the earth could not possibly say no. Isn’t the earth considered a female from ancient folklore? And the wind in the sky is always portrayed as a male? They are courting each other today!! I’m getting a little carried away, but I wish everyone could see this event in my back yard. I am actually happy that it is snowing the way it is. Normally I stomp my foot and throw a tantrum, but now that I am learning to appreciate this climate, my mood is no longer dark every time it snows. It snowed on Friday and I was not happy, but only because I wasn’t prepared with my usual 8 pound coat to keep me warm in it. It was refreshing after about a week of it being in the 60′s!! WARMER THAN FLORIDA!!! I can’t say that too often so I’m just gonna rub it in a little–WARMER HERE THN FLORIDA!! HA! Thank you, now I have gotten it out of my system and I can move on.
I have to go, I hear the natives getting restless…Ludwig is bouncing up and down the hall with his squeaky toy which means he needs some playtime with Mama, and JJ must be getting antsy not being able to do a thing. How does a 5 pound puppy manage to sound like a herd of Moose? I am off now to perform my wifely duties, happily and with tremendous gratitude for my luck at having found such an amazing husband.
So, I’ll be the one doing most of the blogging about us; I being the esteemed wife in this prestigious couple. Since I’ve never done this before, I’ll probably suck at first. But I am inspired by so many things on a daily, or maybe just weekly basis, I thought it’d be fun to document some of our experiences as a couple mucking through the mudpuddles of life, and alternately, leaping through the golden flower fields as well. Eventually, JJ may even contribute!! I saw the opportunity arise through my childhood friend Kathleen, who blogs about her experiences as a Mama and wife. Her blog, btw, can be pretty entertaining to read…she is quite talented in the way she writes down her thoughts/experiences.
I guess this one will be long as my life hasn’t been documented in quite some time. If it gets boring, just skip to the next paragraph. I am my worst critic!
I take customer calls all day about investments (I work at a firm w/JJ, just in diff depts) and it’s a relief to let it all out after keeping my opinions to myself all day. It’s forbidden that we discuss our political, religious, or financial beliefs with the clients since they could possibly influence their decision making. Generally, I do not make my investment decisions (not that I have too many to make) based on an opinion given by someone I’ve never met and know nothing about!! But you’d be surprised by how easily some are swayed. I sure am. It’s kind of like the old saying our Mother’s or Father’s dumped on us during our teens–”If so-and-so jumped off of a cliff/bridge, does that mean you would too?” Hmmmmm, if you are talking about cliff jumping or a bridge in the keys, then maybe. That was my thought process waaay back then in my smart-ass brain–nowadays, it gets way too complicated. Going against the grain, against the current, away from the norm, against all preconceived ideas about me, my marriage, my goals, etc etc. Not sure where that came from…it’s kind of nice just writing with my train of thought, ADDish as it is. Try and keep up, will ya?
I am not a Mama, but I am trying to train my 7 month old puppy and this is how I know I am not cut out for Motherhood. I’ll be consistent with his training for a few days, then I’ll look at his cute face and crumble to pieces. JJ is the one who has to be on my case about disciplining the dog. I have no problem loving on him–he is so flippin cute I can’t stand it! Ludwig Von Walker is a micro-mini pinscher; he is the 5 lb replica of our full size Doberman, Olga. He uses her as a chair, bed, obstacle course, and playpal. She grudgingly allows him to climb all over her but the look on her face is priceless–Why are you people doing this to me? I’m OLD!!! (she’s 9 1/2) Personally, I think it keeps her young at dogheart.
I should probably wrap it up…I just ate a tuna melt and I need to grab some coffee…yes, I am still at work and getting paid for blogging. ROCK ON!!!
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