I decided I need to document this experience before I forget it…
One week ago, I had the scariest day of my life. It started out like any other Tuesday, I got ready for work, and JJ and I left at 10:30 since he starts at 11. I start at 12. Only the previous day, I’d picked up my new increased dosage of my prescription for the generic brand of Wellbutrin, Budeprion. My Dr. thought that increasing it to 450 mg from 300 would help my A.D.D., although I’d never seen a word on how the drug is relevant to any other condition besides depression and anxiety, 2 symptoms I had been dealing with for quite some time. It was thought now that they were secondary to ADD, a result of ADD going undiagnosed and untreated for many years, thus causing great frustration and sadness. But the many Primary Dr’s I’ve been to have been reluctant to treat the ADD, something I am still working on getting treated. This adds to my frustration–feels like I am beating my head against a glass wall, through which I can see a more peaceful side of myself that is enjoying life to the fullest.
Anyway, that morning, I took the 450 mg of the medication, the highest dosage I had ever been on in the year and a half of combined time I’d been on it. It was the only med that SEEMED to not have any horrible side affects, as so many others on the market do. I took it at around 10:00 am. I had plenty to do before my shift, so I worked on odds and ends of special projects and replied to emails. Around 12:15, I think I sent my husband an email about how strange I felt, attributing it to my coming down with a cold over the weekend. Shortly after that, the symptoms became more pronounced–my extremities felt tight and jumpy, they started to feel hot and cold needles throughout, I was on a long call with a client and I had to put him on hold so I could type some notes-my fingers were cramping and I was finding it to be very difficult to press my fingers down on the keys. A couple minutes passed with him on hold while I finished, then the scariest symptom became evident as I went over his questions with him–my speech was slurred and I stuttered. I couldn’t get the words out that usually came out practically without thinking since I said them so much. As I tried to wrap up the call, my brain was trying to process what was happening–this was not normal, not cold symptoms, and definitely getting worse! Finally the client had all his questions answered and as I hung up, I realized what was different about today…the dosage.
Everything I was feeling felt chemical–I knew my body better than anyone, and I could feel it rapidly declining. I had to act right now. I pulled up Google and pecked out the word “yellow pages”, then focused on typing in the info I needed. I clumsily grabbed my phone from my purse, punched the number in as fast as I could, then walked over to the far windows where I could have some privacy. I struggled with putting my right leg in front of me as I walked,The Pharmacist finally got on the phone and I frantically gave him my info. I told him what I was experiencing and asked him to double check the med he filled. He confirmed it was filled correctly then said, “it sounds like you are having a reaction to the increased Seratonin in your brain, you need to call your Dr. right now.”
I hung up and called her office. Luckily, it was in my address book in the phone. Thank God for my Blackberry! It kept my organized. I explained to the lady who answered what was going on. I remember saying, “As you can tell from my speech, I am losing the ability to form words properly”. But it didn’t sound so smooth. I had to keep stopping to look for the word in my brain. It was like there was a library of indexed words, and my brain kept stopping and seeing blank index cards. I knew then that this would require me to ask for help–it was only getting worse. My legs were jumping all over the place as I leaned against the window sill. My stomach started doing flip flops, my arms were flailing about and I couldn’t control a single muscle below my neck. She put me on hold to go talk to the Dr. and at that moment I forced my legs to walk towards my supervisors desk. I knew I didn’t have much time before this got out of control completely. She wasn’t there, but my Senior was. He was talking to someone and I interrupted and just said, “Go get JJ right now”. He looked at me and must have seen the look of teror on my face because he got right up and said “which part of the 3rd floor is he on now?”. I pointed in the direction where Jj sat then my Senior told me to sit down in his chair and he took off. He is ex-military and I’m sure that part of him took control as he sprinted upstairs to find JJ. The lady came back on the line and I struggled to hold the phone to my ear as she told me to hang up and call 911 right now. I hung up but I couldn’t hold on to the phone any longer. Co-workers started gathering around asking what was wrong and I just kept repeating that it’s a reaction to a medication.
JJ was there within 2 minutes, asking what was wrong as I began convulsing all over. My tongue felt like it was a foreign object in my mouth–I tried so hard to explain the increased dosage of the meds, but it took what seemed like minutes to make him understand. I could not look up as my neck started to burn, and all I could see were feet and legs and JJ’s eyes & lips telling me he was calling the ambulance. The burning in my neck moved down my spine and my stomach began shivering and convulsing, sending my spine all over the place. I wanted it to stop so bad, I grabbed the arms of the chair and held on for dear life. This made my teeth start chattering. I think they wheeled me in to a conference room because next thing I knew there were new legs and feet surrounding me and JJ just kept whispering to me, “you have to take deep breaths, you are hyperventilating, slow down babe, you can do this…” over and over until I realized I could control my breaths–it was the ONLY thing I could control!
Thoughts of my death had been whirling all around me until that moment, I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest and explode. My lungs had begun burning and my spine felt like it was going to blow up right out of the base of my head. When I realized I was able to slow my breathing down, I could begin to feel my feet and arms again. But the pain didn’t end, nor did the muscle convulsions. I could hear a freight train in my ears, it was going faster and faster. But in between all of that, I could still hear my husband whispering to me that it was going to stop soon, that he was going to make sure he figured all of this out and I would feel better. A strange man knelt in front of me and began asking me questions I couldn’t answer. I wanted to scream at him but I couldn’t get any words out. Why was he making me try to talk? He finally stopped and they put me on a stretcher and it kind of is all blank until the hospital. I didn’t remember most of what happened after JJ showed up but it’s been coming back to me in spurts over the last week. It was JJ’s eyes that gave me the most comfort. I knew that despite all the fear inside, he would do everything he could to keep me here.
The rest of the day is just a whirlwind of strange faces, pills, needles…but in between there were periods of stillness that calmed my soul, dispelling the fear for a little while. My husband holding my hand and making me focus on his face; my Mother-in-law Ann Lee stroking my hair with her warm hand; my Mom and Sean(my brother) and Emma (my sister) sitting with me and telling me they love me and making me laugh; my friend Amy holding my hand in my hospital room that first night. All the many friends and loved ones who stopped by during my 4 days in the ICU. They brought flowers, plants, balloons, stories, laughter, smiles, and well wishes. And my Mother-in-law, well, everything happens for a reason. She just happened to be out here to help AUnt Pat after Uncle George passed last Sunday. And she has been able to stay with us to help me recover. Has cooked and coddled and calmed me down 24-7 since I came home on Friday. What a blessing!
JJ has come to find out that Budeprion, the generic brand of Wellbutrin, is under investigation by the FDA for all of the severe side affects it has caused. In a case study, It caused seizures in 22% of the patients in the study…and they still allowed it on the market! It has caused side affects such as diarrhea, constipation, gas, (all symptoms of the last ditch disease known as “IBS” which was recently diagnosed only because they could find no other reason for my symptoms)He has also learned that even the 300 mg dosage is well above the suggested amount for my mild symptoms. 300 and 450 mg are used to treat extreme cases in patients in Psych wards or who are exhibiting severe cases of depression and anxiety–none of which applies to me! Even patients who are having withdrawals from drug abuse only were prescribed 100 mg! Studies also showed that this generic brand extended release form releases 4 times the amount it should release during a 2 hour period–the time it took to start exhibiting symptoms in my body/brain!!
So I am home trying to recover all this week. I am struggling with my speech and fine motor skills. When I am tired or have been talking for more than a few minutes, I can’t find the word I am looking for-it feels like I’m in the library again looking at blank index cards. Or I just stutter. I feel like a toddler sometimes and it’s very frustrating. I’ve had to allow others to take care of me and that is hard too. I’m missing a lot of keys on the keyboard–I’ve had to go back to re-type 100 times just in this blog. It’s taken me 2 hours! My short-term memory was really bad in the days following the seizure, but I think it’s gotten better…I think. I have to take showers sitting down in case I see spots and fall. And I still have pain in my neck. But I am so thankful to be here.
I told Aunt Pat that I had an angel named George looking over me that day–I could have easily stayed home sick since I woke up that morning feeling worse than the day before. What could have happened if I’d been home alone? The thought makes me shiver…but a dear, sweet, brand new white-haired angel made sure I went to work so there’d be people around when this thing hit my system. And more importantly, made sure my hubby was close by so he could convince me to take control of my breath. My heart is so attuned to his voice, it was like a calm cool hand pushed the fear right out of me. Not to be overly-dramatic, but JJ is one of the few in my life who can calm me down from hysterics. He is so soothing to me, but can motivate me at the same time.
Once again, I thank God for sending me my Husband, my greatest advocate/friend/supporter/motivator/lover on the planet. And I thank God for all the other wonderful human beings he has placed in my path. You all have been fabulous!
