How does that old saying go? God only allows as much turmoil into your life as you can handle…or something to that affect. Well, I’ve officially reached my limit about a month ago. Do you hear that God? I’m DONE! I’m overflowing with CRAP from all sides of life. I’m tired of watching my husband suffer and not being able to support him like I know I should and want to. I’m tired of watching my weight go up and down with my moods and feeling like I have no control over what i put in my mouth. I’m tired of my reactions to everything around me being negative and defensive. I’m tired of reacting like a caged animal when confronted or corrected about the smallest thing. I’m tired of battling the urges of a disease that makes me pull out my hair to the point where I have bald spots. I”M TIRED!!
Venting done…I have decided to “go public” about my hair pulling disease in an effort to help myself confront it and manage it. Having a secret makes me feel even more ashamed and stressed, causing it to become worse. Trichotillomania, otherwise known as Trich or TTM for short, is a disorder that is not very well-known and for which there is no known cure and very little treatment. Research shows it’s a cross between OCD and Turets. A website I like to visit is www.trich.org I started fiddling with my hair when I was in my late teens, but didn’t start actually pulling my hair out until my mid-twenties. Initially, I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I thought I was going crazy but it relieved so much anxiety and “pressure” in my brain to do so. I finally Googled it online and discovered it had a name and there were others who suffered along with me. I still label it freakish, and feel that way too, but I felt better knowing what this thing was. I still don’t know why its picked me or how its caused since there’s a lot of speculation around that. It comes and goes in vicious cycles, seeming to attack when I’m most anxious and distracted. It somehow comforts me while I’m doing it, but afterwards, seeing the effect of it brings me to despair. In recent months, I’ve depleted my thick head of hair quite a bit, and even have a couple of almost bald spots underneath. I am able to cover it using headbands, hats, scarves, and bandanas while its growing back out, but it’s so hard to get it under control so that I don’t expand the bald spots. All this new hair is sprouting so I have little hairs sticking straight up off of my head. Everytime I see my Mother’s glorious long, thick hair I want to cry! Mine used to be like that, then this disease took over my fingers and I can no longer even wear a ponytail to prevent it.
Fortunately for me, JJ is very supportive and helpful, keeping me accountable and in check. I am amazed at his ability to love me unconditionally, despite my shortcomings, consistent screw-ups, and apparent bodily destruction. I can honestly say I’m trying as hard as ever to make some much-needed changes and adjustments to my inner self. I actually get sick to my stomach sometimes when discussing my feelings, my family, and what actions I need to take. Communication is something I am just not used to nor comfortable with, but it is necessary to make my marriage and relationships work. I am so used to shutting down and numbing out when confronted with an issue that it actually makes me physically ill when I am forced to deal with the emotion….perfect example–I just had to take a break from writing this because it was putting a big giant knot in my belly. My auto-response is to run and hide. JJ is helping me learn to confront issues and poeple and myself head-on. It makes life more interesting and I don’t end up shoving it all down into the crevices I’ve carved out in my mind and heart. I have so much emotion pent up from years of stuffing, that I’m turning into someone I neither like nor recognize. JJ is pulling it all out of me. Can you imagine how difficult that is?
I’m grateful to him for keeping me accountable, otherwise, I’d just “exist”. Coping is so much easier when you have a partner in your spouse…a teammate for life so to speak. I’ll keep trying to talk about my struggles with becoming “human” and emotional and dealing with this awful disease that sometimes consumes my mind. Maybe it’ll help me learn how to connect with my emotions more. I don’t want to be numb anymore.
